The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars: Take a Trip to Space

The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars (1998)
(buy this: ruin your little brat's psyche)
reviewed by J. Kane
Trip-O-Meter: 8/10

It's no secret that children's programming is really fucking trippy. This is in part to do with kids being stoned all the time, something to do with underdeveloped brain chemistry or something. Why do you think they're so happy? Hell, they need it, because God knows life is shitty enough without drugs -- imagine going through it when your brain is about as useful as a baked potato. It'd be a nightmare.
It's also no secret that children's cartoonists hate their jobs. When your biggest fans still poop their pants and will forget about you in less time than it takes to MAKE a single episode, you gotta wonder where your life went. Like most of us losers, they resort to massive amounts of psychedelics. How else do you explain forgotten gems like The Brave Little Toaster Goes to Mars?
Similar to the Old Man and The Sea (Hemingway would shoot me for this comparison) TBLTGTM explains the entire plot in the title. What else is there to get? A toaster, that is brave (and little) travels to the Red Planet. It doesn't make sense, (it doesn't have to), but there you have it.
But after viewing a VHS copy purchased for $0.75, I've found there's so much more. This video (based on a book by Who-The-Fuck-Cares) is an example of Disney's retard stepchild straight-to-video market, making these middle-aged, drug-addled cartoonists resent their lives all the more. So they threw in a plethora of embittered sexual innuendos while at the same time vicariously explaining the meaning of life to a market of daycare preschoolers whose parents don't have time to tell them what sex is. More on that in a moment.

At first, TBLTGTM seems like a boring, everyday cartoon. Then your jaw falls into your crotch as the appliances come alive; a toaster, a lamp, a radio, an electric blanket and a vacuum cleaner, among other things. And then they start talking, spouting these bullshit philosophies about life and death. It's creepy, like talking doll creepy, especially coupled with sing-alongs from cutesy hell.
A baby comes into the picture and the appliances ask, "Where do babies come from?"
Totally avoiding the question, the lamp (aptly named Lampy) responds, "I dunno, but it must be very nice."
The appliances love the baby, calling him the Little Master and singing this godawful song about how wonderful newborns are. Then, a hearing aid that was once owned by Albert Einstein (no kidding) tries to beam himself to Mars, instead sending the Little Master into space. What. The. Fuck.
The appliances, led by Toaster, decide to go to space. How? "Going to Mars is easy!" the little fuckers say. How easy? They strap a chatty ceiling fan to a laundry basket, hookup a calculator to a microwave and insert some Pop Secret. Yes, that's right, popcorn can fly you to Mars. Think about that the next time you get the munchies.
Now, while soaring thru space and shit, the cluster of contraptions find a bunch of balloons that were let go and soured up into the stratosphere. A hippie balloon talks about how "high" he is and all the helium-huffers sing a song about how they're gonna float in space forever. FOREVER.
I'm positive these balloons are a metaphor for death. And what little kid hasn't wondered what happens to a balloon they release? The truth, that they pop, land in the Pacific and choke baby seals, was a little too harsh. So in Brave Little Toaster Land, the explanation is a lot more peachy.
Once on Mars, the kitchen accessories befriend a forlorn Christmas angel and Viking 1, the space probe that was sent to the Red Planet in 1976. Viking talks briefly about his mission (some random, weird bit of education) and how after six years, he stopped working and is now just waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
"It's your job to wear out," he says. And like some disturbing, existentialist metaphor, he's talking about you.
Infinity is a concept foreign to children and incomprehensible by anyone else, so why throw it in here? Because it's depressing, that's why. On a planet with no real elements, you will stay there intact forever.
All of the appliances are deeply concerned about becoming obsolete, because as submissive little Lampy points out, "I love being used!" It's almost akin to communism - work ethic is supreme.
These appliances want to be used so badly, that the obsolete ones moved to Mars, led by a gigantic fridge, who is aiming a missile at Earth. It's like some kind of eerie reference to the Cold War. And it's not even a very good one.
To stop this ICBM, Toaster runs for election (they're held every day, for some reason) against Giant Fridge and wins, becoming Supreme Commander. How is Mars not communist? It's red, it's got cold-hearted refrigerators bent on destroying the planet . . .
Anyway, why does Toaster win? Because the hearing aid was able to explain the unified field theory. He was owned by Albert Einstein, after all, but that's just a little bit too weird.
Then Toaster enters inside giant fridge, which is a vast arctic wasteland. Whoa.
They go home, after the Christmas topper strips naked and burns her clothes in the microwave and everyone lives happily ever after. There's some Christmas theme, because every kid's movie imaginable must mention this consumer driven holiday.

There you have it. This film will blow your mind if you're not a shitfaced toddler and don't take these concepts at face value. To recap, this film teaches children about sex, becoming obsolete, sex, the Cold War, death, sex, communism and infinity.

It seems the whole mess was uploaded to YouTube, so here's part uno:


Back to those hidden innuendos I mentioned.

Military Toaster: We're ready to pop. The Supreme Commander will be very pleased.

Blanket: The Little Master didn't want to get sprung!

Toaster: Quick! Into my crumb tray!

Hearing Aid: You don't have to be bigger to be better.

Ceiling Fan: If I knew I was gonna be on the bottom, I never would have agreed to this.
Ceiling Fan: I've enjoyed this new perspective, looking up instead of down!
Ceiling Fan: Just leave me on the floor, face up.

(Man, that Ceiling Fan has some loose legs. If you have any of your own weird quotes from this film that I may have missed, email them to me at fireserphent@gmail.com)